Barnes and Noble signing.

Yesterday was my first signing at a Barnes and Noble. I won't lie, I was nervous that nobody would come over to my table and check out the books. After all why would they? No one knows who I am and they are probably trying to have a moment of peace after a busy week. When I first arrived, Barnes and Noble had everything already set up. There was a table in the front when you first walked in. The display had my books and a lovely poster of The Queen of It. On display the Nook monitors had the cover of Through the Door to Dusk throughout the store. They were so kind and accommodating and gave me all the tools needed to make the day a success. Periodically they would announce my appearance over the intercom alerting anyone within the confounds of the store that there was an author signing and to go and say hello. Some of the customers who came in just looked over with curiosity while quickly rushing by and trying to go unnoticed. But many of them were not only friendly, they were interested. They asked questions, took pictures and bought the books. The kids were the best. One little boy who stood out in my mind, was about ten. He was over the top with excitement because he had never met a real life author before. I was so taken with his innocence and sweet sense of amazement, he truly made my day. I don't know how you're supposed to measure success, but for me it was in the face of that little boy.

Changes...

Okay...so for the past several months you've listened to me when things were at their lowest and despair was my closest friend. You've offered words of wisdom, a shoulder to cry on and a crutch to lean on. I've ranted and babbled, sometimes making no sense to anyone but me, but you stayed. You hung in with me and on several days, that got me through. But now I'm here.It's a better place and a lot less stressful. I'm feeling a bit more like me and less like a person getting ready to be fitted for a straight jacket. It's taken many months of sadness and brutal reality to realize that what I was holding on to was just an idea. An idea of how things should be. You grow up, you get married. You have kids. They grow up and move on with their lives and then you grow old together. But who's to say that maybe...just maybe...you don't. Maybe there's a time for every one that comes into our lives... a beginning and an end. And maybe, it just stops. The chapters over, the book ends and you pick up a new book. Maybe there isn't only one person for us, but rather one person for each chapter we are in. Some chapters are longer than others, but no one really stays for the whole story, only you...it's your story. I'm not sure if this idea is right or wrong, but I do know I have picked up a new book. And so far, I like where the story is going...

Christmas 2011

Twas the day before Christmas when all through the house
just one creature was stirring, that dirty old mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hope that our guests would not leave us bare.
The children were all waking up from their beds, to put their last plugs for gifts in our heads.
And Momma in her kerchief and I in my cap, were thanking for cash instead of the credit card trap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, who was that strange man climbing the house with a ladder?
Away from the window I flew like a flash, only in time to hear a clatter, bang, crash.
The sun on the breast of the new fallen snow, gave a blanket of softness to the strange man below.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a flashing red light a top a car pulling over here.
With a little old driver so lively and quick, I new in a moment, this can't be St. Nick.
For I knew it was too early for him to arrive, as I watched him take the stranger for a long winters drive...

Dating...dating?

I've been contemplating writing this particular blog because the subject matter is for me...perplexing. My husband moved out almost two weeks ago, but for all intensive purposes, I've been single now for nearly 6 months. He was very clear when he told me those many months ago that if someone asks me out, I should go. Now I don't know about you, but the thought of going out with someone while going home to the very house my husband was still residing in was...weird. So there was definitely no dating for me. But about three weeks ago, a young man, and yes I mean literally a young man, he's 30, starting paying attention. We had been friends for about 5 or 6 years and most of the time our connection was held through text. He plays guitar in a band and when there was a show in town, I was on his lists of invites. I always wanted to go, but the husband was never interested and the thought of showing up alone was less than appealing, so I never got to see him play. So when I received the text from him stating it was the bands last show, I responded with both surprise and sadness. It was quickly fleeting though when he explained that he and some other members had formed a new band and would be performing again. One thing lead to another and I revealed to him the state of my current being. He was shocked. One thing evolved into another and before you knew it, or rather I knew it, he was flirting and I found myself flirting right back. I won't lie, it felt good to have a very cute, guitar playing band member be so aggressive about going out. The next few days was hours and hours of texting about ourselves, our family, our aspirations and everything else going on in our lives. The day of my mom's surgery we had text and then spoken briefly on the phone. He had said he'd get in touch in a few days but when a few days went by and no contact happened, I was at the very least confused and a little worried about him. He had come on so strong and then...silence. I decided to text hello and I found it met with a frenzied response that the band was going back into the studio and rehearsal and things were crazy. He then text again saying they were so busy but he did want to get together when there was time. Then a few days later, I did something I have never done in my life. I asked him if he wanted to hang out for a bit. Now to you this might not sound like a big deal, but for me it was completely different from everything I had been taught to do. Remember, my generation is that of the guy asks you out, never do you take the lead, especailly in an old fashioned Italian family. But I realized that some things are definitely different and he was of a different time than me, so I mustered up the courage. He was very receptive and we were going to meet a bit during their lunch break the next day, which was also the day before Thanksgiving.
Wednesday morning he text and said that the drummer was going out of town for the holiday and they decided to practice through lunch. He apologized and told me we'd have a rain check. Now I probably should have just casually said okay and kept it at that, but...I didn't. I had two weeks of the mixed emtions that plagued me from my husband moving out, my changing life and my my mom's surgery. I was snippy and he apologized again and we left it at that. Over the next few days I tried to undo what I had already done but he would not respond. I started to feel a bit like a stalker and decided it was time to give up. I deleted him from FB, took his # out of my phone and deleted all old messages. I know it was wrong of me to react the way I did, but I feel a man who was a bit more seasoned would have understood the emotions that were wreaking havoc on me that week. Maybe a man, not a boy, would have known how to deal with it period. But to just drop off the planet and completely ignore me, felt to me to be a harsh punishment for such a small mistake. I'm not sure if was truly his age, he's a band member or just him. I am perplexed about what I did or did not do and wonder if I will ever really get the knack of dating again. Hell...I never even made it to the first date. How could someone be so relentless and then just like a switch turn it off? If this is what it's going to be like...I think I'll just aquire some cats, throw a kerchief on my head and accept my fate now. Because the not knowing is far worse than if no contact was ever made...

Today

Today I got out of bed when I didn't want to. Today I ran some errands that I would have rather passed on. Today I went to the grocery when all I wanted to do was go home. Today I worked when I would of been happier writing. Today I bought my favorite chicken. Today I was good to myself and picked up some hummus, pita and veggies for lunch during the week. Today I drank some green tea and ate black liquorish. Today I thought about my daughters and granddaughter with a smile. Today I kissed my husband and smelled his neck. Today I watched once again, my guilty pleasure...Big Love. Today...I lived.