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Saturday, August 18, 2012

Nothing really describes it...

I've discovered something about myself today...for those of you who really know me and know what I've been going through these past two years and the life I had prior to that, this will probably make sense. For others, you may judge me on words alone but tonight I can't worry about that. I feel as if my insides are burning, no bursting. I need to get this out. Pour into the universe and hope that he or she will take it away...far from me and drop it into the deepest of holes. I for the better part of twenty years have been spoiled. I had that story book romance...that prince charming. A man that adored me and my every move. A man that only saw...me. Never once did I see him look at another woman when we were together, nor did he ever tell me he watched tennis for the model/tennis pro or women's volley ball because they slapped each other on the ass. I had...bliss. Now I know what you're thinking...ignorance is bliss. But in this case I'm speaking the truth. And there are many witnesses to attest that this isn't just my perception. Granted things happened due to chemicals and genes inherited, but the truth remains that for twenty or so years it was...what others dream of. I've been spoiled by a level of respect or at least what I call respect, and I'm not sure how to process what I'm told is the "normal" male brain. I fear this will be my restraint that holds me back from realizing any other true relationship in my life. I can't filter the thought process that thinks it's okay to blurt out such things and assume I should be perfectly fine with it. Nor am I anyone's teacher. At the age of fifty and two kids I think I've earned the right to have a partner...not a student. I am also learning that loving someone, no matter how true, can also be hindered by things that you just can't get past. But people shouldn't have to change to suit you...nor should you mold them. They are who they are and it is up to you whether you can accept those things and over look them or if you become consumed by them. I'm not sure which one I am ready to accept but I do know that sometimes wanting something and needing it can be a very fine line. It's just knowing which one to lean towards...and when to to turn away.

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