Tuesday, November 20, 2012
On the Outside...I think.
I know it's been a long time since I've felt the need to express the inner workings that is me, but I once again find myself searching for answers and thought throwing it out there might at least lighten the weight. I've been feeling things lately that are strange and completely foreign to me. I'm not sure how to deal with them or really why I am having them. If I had to guess, I would say a lot of change in a very small amount of time, but I'm not completely confident in that answer. Given the fact that they are very new for me, I find myself questioning my own reasoning. This will probably sound as if I am being completely childish and down right whiney, but I will spill and let you be the judge. This is only the second holiday in 50 years that I have ever been away from family. The last time was about 29 years ago and it was also Thanksgiving day. My parents and brother had moved to Las Vegas the month prior and I was still living in California. Stevie was 7 months old and Ronnie and I were beginning our little family life together. My mom and I spent the entire day on the phone and crying. The next month Ronnie gave notice and we packed everything up and moved to Las Vegas. Even then at 21, the thought of spending holidays without my family was devastating. I told you...childish. I know many of my friends and relatives have had to endure the holidays away from loved ones, but yet that doesn't seem to make it any easier for me. Now don't misunderstand, I am by no means spending this day alone this year. I am surrounded by a very wonderful loving family and they have made me feel very welcomed every trip I have made to Dallas in the past...but this is different. This time I feel disconnected and I hate that I am about to say this, but...sad. I know that I am probably creating the feelings of being on the outside looking in, but they are pretty powerful right now and I don't seem to be able to snap myself out of it. My cousin tells me she's going to make a cardboard cut out of me and place it at the dinner table...not helping. I think I'm intentionally pushing Jason to the outer limits so I can validate this feeling of being alone and yet somehow he moves forward. He tells me he understands and knows that it is hard for me...I'm not sure I'd be as understanding if the roles were reversed. So universe my question is this...how do I grow up?