Friday, June 8, 2012
So here we are again...I always seem to come back to you when it's the extreme I'm experiencing. Whether it be paralyzing pain or the complete jubilation of all the happiness of late, there you are. I must apologize because I use all of you as my outlet to wash away all the excess emotions that rack my mind, body, heart and soul. And although this question is completely rhetorical and I don't expect an answer...it makes me feel better to ask you...all of you. Does it make you lesser of "good" person if you occasionally get irritated with the one you love just because you can't have what you want exactly when you want it? Yes I know you already probably understand what I am referring to. For those of you who read this, you know my relationship is long distance. And even though I would not give this man up for anything else, it does present some issues occasionally. Most of the time they're silly, like the one tonight, but issues none the less. I find myself getting annoyed when I call and he is doing daily normal things we all do to get through the day. It's as if I feel he should be waiting by the phone with bated breath for the very moment I decide to grace him with my voice. Lame...I know. Selfish...definitely. Spoiled...you bet. But somehow these past few days this seems to be a major issue for me to deal with. Maybe it's because I will be seeing him in 6 days and the thought of getting on the plane(I really hate to fly...really.)petrifies me. Maybe it's because I know after spending 11 days together doing those things that couples without distance take for granted, I will have to leave it all behind and settle for the nightly phone calls that go on for hours. Which, don't get me wrong are the highlight of the day, but not the same. Maybe this lack of patience and down right irritability I am experiencing is just my way of separating before I even get there. I don't know, but I am feeling a bit petty about myself lately and I know there has to be a change. I just can't figure out how to do it. I talk to myself saying the things I think I need to hear. He is busy just like you...he always says I love you and gives his full attention. He calls and texts throughout the day...everyday. But somehow I want more. I want...him here. Ahhh...and there it is. I am disconnecting before I connect. I've done this to him before but I usually recognize it much sooner. To risk someone just because they can't conform to your wishes right at the moment you want them is childish and yes...definitely petty. A lesson I already know, but sometimes have a hard time following. I guess I will try to understand what I am feeling is just born out of the fact that I truly love him. My sweet little surprise that has popped into my life when least expected, but met with an open heart. I will hold those 11 days close and imprint them into my memory as a reminder that immediate although comforting, is not worth replacing someone you love for someone you tolerate. And finding your way together makes the journey much more of an adventure.