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Tuesday, October 11, 2011


You know it's funny, one of the reasons my "husband" says he's unhappy is because we don't talk anymore. Tonight I cooked dinner, he had bought the groceries, and we sat while he talked about his day. He vented about the injustices, the idiots and the situations that are ever growing. I sat, the captive audience listening to every word and engaging with my opinion, questions and occasional look of surprise. Then it was my turn. He asked about my day at work and as I answered, I saw it. The far away look of disinterest I usually see on his face every time I try to tell him something about me. I was reduced to hearing his one word answers for interaction and the occasional nod of the head. After my one sided attempt ot share my day, he asked me how come when I moved out last year he bought me new furniture, and now he has to settle this year on his own. My response was that he had made the choice and he should deal with the consequences.I am suffering everyday, why should I have to bear any added misery and have to worry about my surroundings, I won't do it, not again. His response was a very sarcastic,"Oh yeah, your suffering." I'm sure the room shook by the pounding of my jaw hitting the floor. I knew this man had changed, but I had no idea he had lost his senses as well. I've lived everyday the past four months with a man who states he is no longer in love with me. I am reminded day in and day out each time he walks through the door at the end of the day that we won't be embracing and kissing hello. I'm reminded every night when he doesn't come over and scoop me up in his arms as we walk up the stairs to go to sleep. We don't walk up the stairs together any more, I do, he sleeps downstairs in the guest room. I'm reminded each time we stand in the kitchen together and he doesn't grab me by waist and rest his head on my shoulder and I am reminded each time he says something hurtful like he did tonight. I would rather be alone than have to endure any of this any longer. To know you are the cause for the misery of someones existence and you feel it every day, is too much to bare. When I was younger I often would think ahead to these days. I saw us growing old together, surrounded by our children, grandchildren and family. Walking together holding hands and sharing our life. But this will not be our life, not with each other any way and I can't move forward as long as I'm reminded of this everyday. I want to scream GET OUT, but I don't, I can't, my fault is I still love him and could never really be that cruel. But I fear that if he doesn't move soon, I will be swallowed up and cease to exist. Not in the mortal way, but in the emotional I'm not okay in my head way. I yearn for peace. Peace, I feel, is all I have left to salvage from my life that is slipping away. So I cling to the notion of November...D Day. The month I hope I will regain some shred of dignity and self appreciation. When I can start to be whole again and feel like a person who will one day walk hand in hand feeling loved and peeking over to my children and grandchildren knowing I made this and to feel that saying I instead of we, will be enough.

1 comment:

  1. I know no comment is needed but let me say "Peace be with you for ever".

    Now for the rest of my comment I'd love to read some of your work. Where can a person find it? or where do you share it?