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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Day After...

I woke up this morning and realized what I had written last night. It sounded like a one woman pity party. I had self indulged in the anguish that had been served up and I reveled in it. The "poor me" was dripping from my fingers as I typed steadily away professing the pain I once again had fallen trap to. But the truth is, I set myself up. The evening before last, my...I don't even know what to call him anymore, and I had a really nice evening. We started a line of communication, discussing issues that had been suppressed over the years. I felt good about getting things out and hearing him unleash some of the pain he has also felt. It seemed like we had made some progress with our situation and had gotten somewhat of a handle on how to deal with things in a peaceful manner. We both were in agreement that he needed to move out so we could find out exactly where these emotions and issues would take us. He is riddled with questions about himself and what he feels or rather doesn't feel and I cannot be a part of his journey to awareness, for his and my sanity.Last night we shared dinner together, something we really don't do any longer. It was a pleasant conversation and went off without any drama, once again, a nice feeling. Afterward we were discussing my brothers wedding this Saturday. He took off work on Friday, as did I and he proceeded to tell me that he had figured he would help me clean and get the house ready and then Friday evening would go check out the weekend long Bike Fest that was taking place downtown and at Harley Davidson. That's when I did it. I opened my mouth and set myself up all on my own. I asked him if he wanted some company. He quickly answered no and kept talking about his plans. I stopped in my tracks, not sure if I had heard what I thought I had and asked him if he had just said no, he said yes he did. He then proceeded again to tell me about the upcoming events, Harley Davidson was having a wet t-shirt contest and he figured he'd go to that. I was stunned and breathless, I couldn't believe I had done that to myself. It was purely innocent. I thought it sounded like fun, and after a day of cleaning would be good to get out for awhile with someone I trust and I know would have a good time with. I wasn't thinking couple, rather friends. But I've realized now, even though I can view our relationship in a friendly manner, he cannot. For him there is a very definite set of lines and never the two shall meet. Which is okay, but I need to be cautious with my assumptions, or rather not assume at all.I will have to always keep my guard up and not take that step that plummets me into sadness. Our talk of remaining friends, is just that, talk. He has stepped backward into his teenage years and needs to fulfill whatever void he feels he's lacking without the company of me or my friendship. So for now, while we are still living together we will remain "friends." And keep it light and fool ourselves within the confines of our four walls. But both of us know the truth. Once he leaves so does our friend connection and we will become acquaintances who once shared a past.

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