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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Better Living Through Chemistry

Tonight I am so very tired. Tired of feeling bad, tired of feeling. I've never been the type of person to take chemicals to alter my mood, but lately I find myself escaping more and more. A Xanax today, a Loritab tomorrow and a glass or two of wine with dinner. My mind is constantly moving, my stomach constantly turning and my heart in an accelerated mode of breaking.The few hours of bliss obtained with a tiny pill seem to be the option that best suites the constant flux my body feels on a daily basis. This is my present. Nothing like my past and I hope very different from my future. For now it appeases the ever consuming monster that sucks out all the light from my core and replaces it with a cold hardening darkness. I reflect on years wasted, chances not taken and opportunity thrown away. I've looked change in the face and spit on it. Content to be discontent and maintain the Stepford appearance while knowing the part I was playing was for the audience surrounding me and nothing more. I don't regret the love I chose, rather the road I chose to walk down with that love. A path of reasoning and choices based on others needs besides my own. My choice, my bed. But the question I find myself asking lately is what do I do when better living through chemistry is no longer an option? When the xanax no longer numbs and the Loritab ceases to give me bliss? Or will all this be gone in November? Will I no longer yearn to step out for the day, shut down or feel...nothing? Will my future change with the rising of one day and the calm of knowing I will no longer have to jump through hoops or walk a tight rope just to keep my home at peace? I hope so. I've never thought of myself as a person who wished to dull life, rather the opposite. Maybe I just need to stop, take a breath and let myself off the hook. Or maybe I just need to stop.

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