Waiting...

I'm not sure if anyone really understands what it's like to live with or be close to loved ones that are bipolar unless it's first hand. I've had friends, acquaintances, even strangers I meet in passing tell me horror stories of the constant and unpredictable changes that can happen minute to minute with someone who is diagnosed as being bipolar. But it wasn't until the past six months or so that I have truly begun to understand. I've always thought the love in my life was "moody". Sometimes so much that in the past couple of years I could never tell from second to second whether or to duck from the flying daggers been thrown around the room. There were many days I tried to shield the blow from our daughters, soften it and make excuses but I don't think I was fooling anyone but myself. It's so strange and confusing. We could have days that were wonderful and then in a split second it could feel like Antarctica in the room and the harsh words and temperament would take over.It was like walking the high wire with no safety net and when you fell, you fell hard.

Even now as the days grow closer to him leaving, I am still having to mix a false sense of bliss with the occasional blow to the head. It's so hard to wake up in the morning and feel like maybe things will have a slim and I know unrealistic chance of turning around and then by the evening I'm counting the minutes until he leaves. My heart is broken, my head is swimming and my body is constantly sick inside. Living with a bipolar love is numbing and blood boiling all in the same sentence. It makes you feel like your constantly walking through a doorway and then turning around and walking back the way you came. Your dizzy and held up by the sheer knowledge that there is an end in sight and if you can just wait a little longer the door will stop swinging.I know there is help for bipolar disorder but when the one afflicted does not treat it, you're left to drown in a pool of your wasted words. Wanting is not enough, hoping is not enough, loving is not enough. It is completely out of your hands. And so you self preserve and quietly hold close to your heart the thought that one day his eyes will open and he will realize that loving someone and losing them is very different than loving them and giving them away.