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Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I'm not sure what's worse, knowing or not knowing. Today I found out something that I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to know. Purely on accident I found out that my soon to be moving out my life husband, had flowers sent to someone else. Now I know you think I should just probably accept the fact that we are not together and move on.But for now that's hard because we still share the same house. And until you have watched the person you've loved for so long, evolve into everything he had despised about others in the past, then you can't possibly understand. I felt as if all the air had been knocked out of my body and the fire inside grew to the eruption of a long awaited volcano.I had once again been made a chump. How many times does it take before someone realizes that they've had enough? Apparently several. But this was the one for me. This was the final blow to the ever ending plummet of punches that I have felt over the past year and a half. I think what hurt the worse was the nonchalant way he answered me when confronted. He simply uttered the word...yes. No explanation, no attempt, just yes. I had no words. Since this was on the phone I simply hung up. I hope whoever received them really needed them, because they came with a very expensive price tag...respect. In one call he destroyed every ounce of respect we had left between us. Clearly he had tossed mine out the window, but I still clung to the memory of the man he once was and today that was disintegrated. I feel nothing tonight. No anger, no hurt, no regret, no longing, no wanting, nothing. I am void and desolate inside and I'm not sure how to regain that part of me that has been tossed away. I'm suffocating and I can't seem to find the oxygen to breath any longer. I just want to feel normal again...

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