Sunday, July 17, 2011
The Less Than Dynamic Duo
Today I would like to tell you a story. It's a little known tale of two super heroes; Fat Grandma Face and Teen Nice Rack. Now before all my friends who are loving and caring Grandma's get their heads in a tale-spin, let me explain the term Fat Grandma Face. As you all know I myself am a grandma to a beautiful, smart and completely amazing little girl. But Fat Grandma Face is what I like to describe as the anti-Grandma. She is completely self absorbed and self serving. She flits through the day with one thought and one thought only; how can I make myself happier above all else? I hope this clears up any discomfort you may feel with my terminology of this individual. Teen Nice Rack on the other hand is a poor wayward lost little soul who aimlessly floats through life choosing the wrong man over and over again. She is doomed to fulfill her days with a muted sense of what it means to be loved and over indulges in the type of man who cheats, lies and would completely disregard her if an even better nice rack were to glide by. But enough with the self opinionated antidotes about our two super heroes. I have neglected to tell you exactly what their super powers are. You see Fat Grandma Face and Teen Nice Rack posses a very unique power. They have the ability to seek out and find all those husbands that are miserable, dazed and confused. Living their lives from day to day with wives that are boring, mundane and over caring. The wives who perform the same routines week to week of washing clothes, going to the dry cleaners, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, picking up prescriptions at the pharmacy, remembering to make appointments at the doctors or dentist and listening to the hazards of working with a group of inept people day in and day out. They are suffocated and overly paid attention too by these evil and calculating wives. They suck out all the fun from the lives of these husbands and force them to exist with responsibility, sharing and thinking of others before themselves. But have no fear...Fat Grandma Face is here. She swoops in with Teen Nice Rack at her side ready to take all that horrid excuse for an existence away and replace it with long bike rides, a place to live that is free of the mundane wife and replace it with jamming concerts, weekend getaways and self indulgence. The husband is once again renewed, refreshed and can breath. He joins Fat Grandma and Teen Nice Rack in a life of celebration and freedom. He is...single. Single to break away from all of the confines that had plummeted him to the depths of reality and now he can make his own new reality. They will be there by his side to guide and help him achieve all that which had escaped him before. They will make sure that he has only one thought on his mind...himself. They encourage and cultivate this newly formed person, giving him all the self serving tools he needs to achieve the utmost glory out of his life. They will revel in the fact that they have had another successful rescue of a suppressed husband and he will bask in their greatness completely thankful for the key to his chains. And with her Harley Davidson tucked ever so boldly between her legs, Fat Grandma will ride with the wind feeling at peace knowing she, along with Teen Nice Rack had another successful rescue.