Monday, April 18, 2011
A Fools Fantasy
So I sit here this morning typing away trying to get all the bad that is infecting my body out. I figured if I get it down on paper than there is some small chance I would have purged that which is making me ill. My thoughts today are on lies. You know those little stories we all make up when if we tell what really happened, would make us uncomfortable or vulnerable in some way. Now I'm not innocent by any means. A little twist here and there of the truth to protect someones ego, ("No that dress doesn't make your ass look like the back end of a hummer,") or( "I don't know what your boss was thinking, clearly you were better suited for that position,") are all valid reasons to use the little white lie for good and not evil. No... I'm talking about the one that is a clear, concise and total alteration of the events that took place. The one that when confronted, gives you that sinking feeling in your stomach which is then followed by waves of nausea and visions of vomiting. The one where you wish there was a shower hot enough and long enough to wash clean the dirt that has been flung at you and now sticks to your body like a second layer of skin. And to make matters worse, the perpetrator, the one responsible for completely altering your world and spinning it off its axes doesn't so much as blink an eye when uncovered. There is no attempt at an explanation, a heartfelt apology or even a grunt. Instead, they choose to try and flip the situation and make it seem somehow you are the reason for the lie. It's your fault that they were put in such an uncomfortable situation. They may even go so far as to question you. You know the one I'm talking about. You've caught them red handed, you get them to finally admit the story they were fabricating was not true and then you say..."So you lied to me?" and they in all there innocence and pure disregard for any ounce of respect that they might have showed you, answer..."How did I lie to you?" And there it is, that slap in the face that sends your head wielding around so fast you feel as if you don't grab it and hold on, it will come spinning off and fall down on the ground beside you. You sit there stunned.For a moment feel you that surely your ears have been playing some kind of cruel game with your brain. You couldn't have heard what you thought you did, right? They didn't just add insult to injury and with mere thoughts call you the biggest moron to grace the planet? Right? But wait...you stop and reset set your ears and your brain. And then it hits you, only this time with a full body slam. Yes...they did. You then realize that you not only have been a victim of this ridiculous concoction that was mindlessly constructed, but you have been reaffirmed as the biggest fool to ever grace the planet. All which you thought was true, all that you had believed was a facade and the only one who really had that sinking feeling in their stomach...was you. And then nothing. No words are spoken to ease your pain. No gesture to make you some how feel better. Just...nothing. So I'm hoping this is my way of getting that feeling back of surety. I am strong, I am capable. I am not a sap for someone to use and then appease in little increments when it suits them. I will follow my dream. I will make things happen and most importantly...I will go shopping.