I feel as though I've been struck in the head with a bolt of lightening. For months, oh who am I kidding, a few years now, I keep waiting for that "normal" feeling. You know the one where you wake up everyday, go to work, come home and fix dinner. Sit with the kids or your spouse (boyfriend, girlfriend), or both and settle in for some mundane night of television, popcorn and possibly, homework questions. If the kids are grown and moved out, then maybe just the two of you discussing your day and unwinding. Your body "feels normal". It does't really feel at all actually. You're doing what you do everyday and never think twice about it. It's like wrapping yourself up in an old comfy blanket on a cold winter morning ... smiles.
But what if your world was changed? Everything you thought was supposed to be wasn't, and everything that felt comfy and cozy had suddenly turned to gray and numb? You would be looking for that "normal" again, wouldn't you? That's exactly what I've been doing for almost four years now. I had it back briefly this past fall, but somehow it didn't feel right. I couldn't understand why when given back everything that I once had, "normal" felt, well, wrong. I've been searching for answers and for whatever reason, this morning it hit me. It didn't feel "normal" because, it wasn't. The feeling I once had, the level of feelings that I had, had changed. They were changed for me when the situation was changed for me. Simply put, you can't really go home again. Home no longer exists in the form you once knew. The dream is shattered and when put back together, the pieces make up an entirely different shape. So what I've been seeking out for the past few years in essence, no longer exists. It seems so simple, yet has escaped me for nearly everyday since summer 2010.
I'm currently, possibly, faced with a new decision that will change my world. It will most assuredly rock the sliver of "normal" I've established recently, but could very well give me the new version of a "normal" I once new. Not the same, remember the shape has changed, but still a nice version that could turn into the "normal" of a lifetime. The question is, will I be happy with this new version? Can I ever be as happy as I once was with the old version? Is it possible to accept and adapt with an open mind, heart and being? These are the questions I find myself asking and have no clear answers for. I think part of me is waiting for that tiny hope of a light that I'm wrong. That I can regain my "normal" in it's former form. My brains knows this is rubbish, but the heart has trouble catching up and I guess, I am my own problem. But this morning did help a bit. It's much easier when your brain is on board instead of both organs drowning in an ocean of doubt. One thing is crystal clear however ... just because you realize something doesn't always make it easier.