Tormented...

I think of the word tormented and horrible things start running through my mind. Things I really don't want to think about or know. But torment can come in many different ways and psychological torment is for me the most haunting. It's not something you can just stop or turn off like a switch. It follows you every minute of every day with no real rest or break from the chaos going on in your head. It spills over into your emotions and sets off a chain of nausea, body turmoil and pain. It plays on your mind letting you think you've made a decision about the situation at hand only to pull the carpet out from underneath you in the next second...making your head hurt even more than it had. Torment twist your mind and body against each other. It makes them mortal enemies that are constantly fighting a battle for your sanity and peace while all along never giving in to either one.

Knowing what you think...what you're told...is best for you and fighting yourself wanting or maybe wanting or think your wanting something that your not sure is best for you or everyone says is really not best for and your not sure if it is or if it isn't. Torment. Being afraid to make a decision either way because either way someone gets hurt. But is it the right choice? Torment. Knowing what the heart felt once...something so strong you knew that nothing could break it or pull it apart...but it did. Torment. Not knowing if it could be glued back together...stronger. Torment. Feeling the happiness but not being able to truly let it in. Torment. Not being sure if really is happiness. Torment. Knowing the decisions made could be wrong and the reasons for the wanting could be wrong and the path chosen will one day lead to regret. Torment. Wanting something that shouldn't be wanted. Torment. Choosing silence...Torment.