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Sunday, January 15, 2012

A birthday to remember...

Yesterday was my 50th birthday.It's funny, so much anticipation behind so many events that make up our lives and then in the blink of an eye...they're over. I had been waiting for weeks for the BIG DAY. This was how everyone was referring to the day that marked my half century existence on this planet. A half a century...doesn't that sound monumental? But it's funny, it was everything but.It wasn't that I had an issue with turning 50, I didn't. I've never been one to dwell on age. I figure if you're lucky enough to get out of bed in the morning, then each day you do should be considered a minor victory. So I have yet to experience the panic...I've had older friends tell me it would happen so I've been waiting. Thirty...forty and now fifty. Nope...no big epiphany about growing older. I've pretty much been aware of my mortality for a long time so it's no big news flash. For me it was more about the kind of birthday it was. I had for years envisioned turning 50 with my husband by my side. Maybe we would take a trip together or have a huge party with our family and friends or maybe a quiet dinner together. Whatever the plan, it would be with the person that had been with me through the years that had past to get me to the day. But as anyone who follows my blog would know...that wasn't the case. And I found myself reliving the events of the past two years over again. The sadness, loneliness and self doubt. Could I have changed it? Maybe if I had only saw the signs sooner...would it had made a difference?

I had been eying a fossil watch for a couple of weeks in a magazine add and decided to go check it out.It seemed like a nice gift I might want to buy myself to mark the day in my own way. As I drove to the store, I was listening to my new Adel CD that the kids had gotten me for Christmas. It was probably not the best of choices, because it just succeeded in adding to the darkness now growing inside. I walked up to the store and sat at a bench that was strategically placed in front. I called a close friend. He has been by my side consistently for the past month and a half and although he lives out of state, he has succeeded in being not only my crutch but my rock. As we were talking and I poured out my...confusion, it occurred to me no matter what anyone said that day, it wouldn't be enough. I chose to wallow. For whatever reasons, I had chosen to fill myself up to the brim in self pity. I cut him off mid sentence and hung up. Somehow...I knew he would understand.I walked into Fossil and bought the watch. I continued on with my day embracing all that was dark and paralyzing. I was going over a friends house that night, joined with my cousin/sister/confident/publicist/one woman rally team/and possibly the closest friend I have ever had...Sarah. So I put on my big girl shoes and drove over.On the way I called Sarah because I needed to talk...again. It wasn't enough that I would see her at our mutual friends, I needed reassurance...now. Honestly, I don't know how she hasn't set her phone to mute when she sees my number. Once again, she succeeded in calming the ever growing darkness that by now had consumed almost every part of me. When I got there, we toasted and drank wine...lots of wine. We talked it out and I began to feel...lighter. I started to realize that even though the day wasn't what I had been used to in the past, it had been wonderful and I hadn't even noticed. I got up out of bed that morning...remember...minor victory. I had the love of all my friends and family throughout the day, posting, calling and texting birthday wishes. I was fortunate enough to go and buy myself the watch I had been eying and had the luxury of going wherever I pleased during the day's journey. I had a friend, who in all his wisdom and support had been understanding when I called later to apologize for ending our conversation so abruptly and it hit me like a load of bricks falling on my head. There was no reason for me to feel sad, I had no right. I had everything...I just refused to see it. I feel good today and I have decided with this minor victory, that I would go and have my new watch engraved. On the back I am going to put a phrase that has been repeated by my mom many times over the years...And this too shall pass.

Happy Birthday to me and thank you to all of you for being my light and the reasons I remember.

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes honey, we feel this need to hug our hurts and keep them close. Because what do we hold on to when we let them go? After awhile hope makes an appearance and waits patiently for us to let hurt go, and then hope steps in and holds us. I love you sis...