Monday, November 7, 2011
Tonight my husband confirmed that the house he wanted to rent was approved. He will be moving out in the next few weeks to embark on his new life. I wanted to scream...I hate you! I wanted to scream...your weak and a coward! You've abandoned me and our marriage. You turned your back when things got rough and could never come back from it or get over it. Time after time over the years I have dealt with your mood swings, temper tantrums, walking on egg shells in my own home and comforted you every day you had trouble at work...which was often. I wanted to kick and punch and yell so loud that my voice gave way...but I didn't. I listened and took it in while the whole time wishing I had never met you. Somehow for now, all the years of happiness we shared have been so tainted by your muted sense of what is reality, I feel as if I'd had been better off never have knowing you. I would have spent more time with my grandmother whom I loved and missed so terribly. I might have found someone who wouldn't have been so self centered and self serving and would have been there for me through the years like I for him. Not that you were never there for me, you were...with limitations. I wished with all my being that the sixteen year old girl could have been just a little wiser...but she wasn't. She was and still does love you. And although the heart feels pain which is overwhelming, I almost feel the confusion in my head is worse. I'm screaming inside right now as I write this and I feel as though I'm being suffocated. I wish I could just run outside and at the top of my lungs expel all the hurt you have bestowed onto me this past two years, but I can't. I will hold myself up and wait for the moment, no hope for the moment that my head will once again feel calm and my heart whole. I will say good bye to you quietly over and over again as the next couple of weeks pass in hopes that each time gets just a little easier and the path ahead of me just a little clearer.