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Thursday, July 7, 2011

The inevitable waves of change.

What a difference 30 days can bring. In the past month, I've lost a husband and yesterday, my best friend. Maybe lost is too strong of a word, because although I can't see her everyday she is still reachable by phone or text. She got on a plane and headed back to New York, the place that both of started our lives in and both of us hold dear in our hearts. The husband is still visible and I do for now have daily communication with him, but he has pretty much checked out and will soon do so in residence as well. For all of you who know me, I'll say this, it's like last year only this time I'm staying in the house. I'm mourning both losses, but losing my friend, sister, cousin, is harder than I could ever imagine. What do you do when your rock is no longer there, when the person who was able to talk you through the hysterics, go to the stupid movies no one else would dare see or just sit and have a glass of wine with you while you wallow in your own self pity? Losing a husband after 31 years is tragic and it does rip your heart out but let's face it, I've already had a trial run once before. The shock becomes well...a little less shocking and more just bewilderment. But the loss I'm feeling right now weighs me down so much that I feel as if a part of me has left as well. There is an empty hollow feeling in my body and as ridiculous as it might be, I just want to stay home and be miserable. I won't, I know that I can't. I've become too dependent on eating everyday and since now it is entirely up to me to provide for me, off to work I go. But when I'm there, I know my head will wander and I will push through the day knowing that in a few more hours I will get my wish. I will go home, be with Cooper and wallow. I know this will pass one day soon. I will wake up and the routine will find itself once again and I will feel "normal". But for now, I will be content to feel discontent and give myself a break. I cannot control what has happened because I cannot control the will of others and what's best for them. So I will keep moving, keep trying and keep writing in hopes that one soon the dust will settle and life will be livable again.

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