Thank you my daughters...my loves...

Sometimes we need to be reminded how very fortunate we are in our lives. Yesterday was mine. My daughters, son in-law, daughter in-law and every family member and friend managed, for what I'm told was months, keep the biggest secret from me...my surprise 50th birthday party.

My daughters and I were talking a few months back about my birthday and I told them laughingly that I wanted a princess party. Well...they did just that. I had pink everything...Disney princess plates, a Minnie princess hat, pink utensils, napkins and decorations. All of my family from here and most of California were there, along with my closest friends. Truth be told I wasn't only surprised, I was speechless. They had all kept this secret from me so well, I think in another life my daughters must have been some very astute spies for the Russians. They managed to take me so off guard that they actually succeeded in pissing me off a bit before the party...apparently their intention to mask their master mind plan. I laugh when I think of all the times my cousin Sarah and I have talked over the past few days. It must have been burning a hole in her the size of a small country to keep this info from me. As if the party weren't enough, they also overwhelmed me with a trip to Disneyland next week. For any one close to me you, know how much I've wanted to go with my grand daughter. It's been a dream of mine since the day she graced our lives and something I've been waiting patiently to do. As the grandma, you have to wait for mom and dad to take her first. So the anticipation of when they would do so left me anxious. I kept telling them when she turns four, her and I are going so they better hurry up. An empty threat I know, but it appeased me for the moment. But yesterday they gave me the best gift imaginable. Not only are we going as a family, but I get to witness her first time seeing the wonders that is Disney. I want for nothing...I have everything. Thank you my darlings...

Goodbye...Almost

Tonight my husband confirmed that the house he wanted to rent was approved. He will be moving out in the next few weeks to embark on his new life. I wanted to scream...I hate you! I wanted to scream...your weak and a coward! You've abandoned me and our marriage. You turned your back when things got rough and could never come back from it or get over it. Time after time over the years I have dealt with your mood swings, temper tantrums, walking on egg shells in my own home and comforted you every day you had trouble at work...which was often. I wanted to kick and punch and yell so loud that my voice gave way...but I didn't. I listened and took it in while the whole time wishing I had never met you. Somehow for now, all the years of happiness we shared have been so tainted by your muted sense of what is reality, I feel as if I'd had been better off never have knowing you. I would have spent more time with my grandmother whom I loved and missed so terribly. I might have found someone who wouldn't have been so self centered and self serving and would have been there for me through the years like I for him. Not that you were never there for me, you were...with limitations. I wished with all my being that the sixteen year old girl could have been just a little wiser...but she wasn't. She was and still does love you. And although the heart feels pain which is overwhelming, I almost feel the confusion in my head is worse. I'm screaming inside right now as I write this and I feel as though I'm being suffocated. I wish I could just run outside and at the top of my lungs expel all the hurt you have bestowed onto me this past two years, but I can't. I will hold myself up and wait for the moment, no hope for the moment that my head will once again feel calm and my heart whole. I will say good bye to you quietly over and over again as the next couple of weeks pass in hopes that each time gets just a little easier and the path ahead of me just a little clearer.

The fine line between happy and sad.

Today is sort of a strange one for me. Later this evening I will be going out with friends and family to celebrate my cousins birthday. She will be toasted over a few glasses of wine, some good food and close friends. I thoroughly enjoy these kind of evenings so I am really looking forward to going. Today also marks what would of been my mother in-laws seventy fourth birthday. This was a woman that I loved dearly and had known since I was sixteen. We lost her to a car accident much too early, she was only forty-nine. I can't help from feeling a mix of sadness , joy and bewilderment. For those of you who know me then you also know that my marriage of thirty one years is unraveling before me and I am not the one holding the string. It has been a year and half of many peaks and valleys and it seems the valley is where I will be residing from here on out. Today when I think of my mother in-law I wonder how she could have made me feel better through all of this. Although she was my husbands mother, she never turned from me when I needed her. Even when he and I had a silly break up when I was just sixteen. She would spend many patient hours with me on the phone advising me and comforting me. I try to imagine what she might have said to me, but I can't seem to muster up the same wisdom she once bestowed on me with such ease.
I've also been a little down about my book rankings on Amazon. They've plummeted lately and I know it is primarily due to the lack of marketing. I try every day to utilize the tools that I am told are out there, but when it comes to self promoting I feel like a new born. Writing is my element. I feel whole, smart, funny, talented and confident. But promoting is a foreign concept to me and I am drowning. I do devote time everyday, but I feel I am just repeating the same mundane cycle over and over again. Last night my daughter Christie called me with an idea she had for marketing my books. It's exciting, different and something I never would of thought of. Sometimes those around you know what you need better than you do. A glimmer of light through the muck of the darkness and how quickly you can have a spark of renewed self. All these doubts, losses, celebrations and adventures are running through me today. They're leaving a tornado of emotions from happy to sad, regret, renewal, hope, defeat and from moment to moment seem to change. I feel like someone keeps repeatedly slapping me in the face from side to side. My head is dizzy and I'm not sure if I'm taking a step forward or two backward.So what I've decided, for today anyway, is that I will accept the fact that it's okay  not to know. I will let myself feel whatever emotion decides to take me and I will go out tonight and have good food, a few glasses of wine and blanket myself in the comfort of good friends, family and the memory of a mother in-law I was lucky to have to have known.

A Smile in the Past

At one time or another, most of us has sat with our parents and listened while they told stories about when they were kids. Times were simpler, people had more compassion and everyone was grateful for what they had. Parents taught, children learned and a house was a home.

I was gazing out the window today, looking at the majesty that is Sunrise Mountain. And for whatever reason, this story played itself out in my head. It's one that my mom has repeated to me several times over the years and sometimes, I'm ashamed to say, while my my mind wandered to other thoughts. I'm sure you know what I mean. We are all guilty of having that generic look of interest on our faces while all along planning what are we having dinner, or how can I get a work out in before I have to run errands? It comes from years of hearing the same stories over and over again, a fate I'm sure we will hand down to our children and them to theirs. But like it or not, these stories do stick with us. And I find on occasion, have a way of surfacing just when we need them the most. I'm not sure why I needed this particular story this morning, but it came to me so I decided to share it with you.

It was New York in the early 1940's. My grandmother was a single mother of two. My grandfather was an abusive vile man whom my grandmother had divorced a few years earlier. He had also seemed to have forgotten that he actually had children, leaving my grandmother to struggle to keep food on the the table by herself. My mom, Joannie, was about seven and her younger brother Frankie, five. Christmas was in a few days and there had been a huge snow storm. The streets and sidewalks were blanketed in white and the temperature freezing. My grandmother had very little money for anything else other than the essentials, but she was determined to give her two children a happy holiday. So she scraped up enough money to buy a tree and together they decorated it with what little they had. Stepping back to look at it, my grandmother thought, it's  almost finished, all it needs is some tinsel. She only had a dollar, but she didn't want to disappoint her children. So she gave the dollar to my mom and asked her to go across the street to the drug store and buy one box. Tinsel was about ten cents and one box would be plenty. So Joannie clutched the dollar in  her small hand tightly, knowing it was her mother's last one. She ran across the street to the drug store and on the way awing at the peace and beauty of the streets covered in snow. She grabbed a box of tinsel and went to the counter to pay. But when she uncurled her hand, the dollar was gone. Panicked she searched throughout the store and then went outside to retrace her steps, but the dollar was no where to be found. Her heart was racing and her stomach sick, she had lost the only dollar her mother had; there would be no tinsel for their tree. With tears streaming down her face she ran home and told her mother what had happened. My grandmother looked at the the pain in her daughters eyes and gently said, "Come, we'll go look together." So together they went checking the sidewalks, the street and the drugs store but there was no dollar. They were standing in front of their house and the temperature was dropping and the bitter cold starting to make them shiver. My grandmother figure it was best to give up the search and get her daughter inside, when she glanced down toward the ground and there, right in front of her was the dollar bill. My grandmother screamed out, "Joannie... I found it!" Together they both started crying and hugging each other. Then they walked across the street holding hands and bought a box of tinsel. I know they say you should never live in the past, and for the most part I feel this is true. But living in the past and learning from it, is an entirely different perspective. Sometimes reflecting on stories like this reminds us that there is strength in us even when the day seems to be at its worse. And everyone of us has the abilty to join together and overcome the hurdles that are thrown in our path. And looking to the past can help us with decisions or trials we have to endure in our present and future. I would like to thank my grandmother and my mother for all of the stories they have shared with me over the years. And for helping me to see that sometimes, the pieces of the past can help to complete the puzzles of the future.

Daughters

On Saturday I spent the day with my daughters and granddaughter on a search for the perfect Easter dress for the baby. My granddaughter, always the center of attention was the light of the day and we couldn't help ourselves the whole time engaging in deep conversations of babble and delight. Her two aunties doted on her every move and her mother and I tagged along as part of her entourage...we're so privileged. We started out our shopping adventure with a walk around the District. A group of up scale shops designed to have a setting that resembles the feel of Soho in New York. Not exactly, but still rather nice. We found the most adorable navy dress with matching socks and a pearl bracelet to complete the ensemble. My daughter was especially happy because the dress she will be wearing for Easter is navy as well and now mommy and baby will match...so adorable. We then took our camp to the cheesecake factory for...you guessed it...cheesecake. There our little darling was fluent in what seemed to be a very important discussion that she engaged in with everyone lucky enough to pass by our table. We decided to end our little excursion with a romp through Whole Foods where delactible bakery treats and the aroma from the deli counter swept us away to a few moments of heaven. Our day had winded down by now and the baby was feeling less sociable and more like nap time so we headed home. During the drive I sleeped into the kind of thought that makes you think about life and the people who surround yours...very deep. I've discovered that my best days are spent hanging with my daughters. They make my happiest days happier and my worst days a little more tolerable. They are my closest friends, confidants, and dare I say...my pals. They are the light in my life...that is until my granddaughter comes into the room and then all bets are off.

Blog Virgin #1

Thank you to my daughter Stevie for all her help. This page would not be possible without her. Many of you will find out that my computer skills are let's just say not without room for growth but I'm learning...with her help. So a giant hands together for my baby...thank you punkin.